10 Things I Hate About Australia

Dear friends,

After living abroad for a year, no one ever asks me what's the best country to live in for a while. It's a foregone conclusion.

However, I am now often asked

"What's the world's second best country to live in?"

And, although there are a handful of world-class contenders (unlike China--that's Beijing to the left on a clear, smoggy, winter's day),

I'd have to give the nod to Australia, because it is at the top of the heap when it comes to having what I consider the hands down, most important, criteria for living the good life (this however does not include citizenship or taxes but availability of open beach, sunshine, cool places and people..blah.blah.blah).

Moving to a new country means, first off, being crazy, and second off knowing the undesireables, and being okay with them.

Without further adieu...

Here are the

Top 10 Things I Hate About Australia
---devised while riding my bike home, upwind, in shorts, without gloves, when one of my bike pedals fell off.

1. No insulation

Other 3rd world countries are also into this practice. Australia is, of course, 1rst world, except when it comes to heating. It may be warm outside, but when the air gets nippy, your house gets frigid. This lasts for a period of about 3 months, during winter (June, July, and August). Feel free to travel to Northern Australia during these months to enjoy year-round beach going pleasure.

Based on local journalism, it seems the residents are against the idea of warm housing via insulation because the chances of starting a fire and burning down the house are much greater---well, you probably shouldn't be lighting firecrackers off in your bedroom in the first place.

2. The Miles of Gorgeous Beach are...EMPTY

You must think I am crazy. Why would anyone not love an empty beach? Could I really be looking forward to big, crowded beaches, were you can't so much as put your towel down without laying on someone's foot?

I think 50 Percent of the fun of going to the beach comes from people watching....

Someone loses a top, a wave flips an unsuspecting tourist, an overweight, ape of a hairy man is strutting around in a speedo, a kid dumps his ice cream cone onto the lap of the stranger next to him...

All I'm asking for is a little comedy, but the beaches here have fewer people than a custodial crew hired to clean port-a-potties after a week-long chili cook-off. You get my drift. I guess I'll just have to parade around the clear, blue, sunny waters all by myself, and Wollongong, NSW (an hour from Sydney) has perfect body surfing waves for chickens like me.

3. 25 Million People

This is a real love-hate relationship...

I love Australia because there are miles of open land, beaches, roads, and country. This place is huge, warm, and 1rst world (except for that insulation thing...) and hardly any people hogging up the place.

But with only 25 million people, a lot of their stuff sucks! They just don't have enough experience--think having your local high school make your sneakers (the quality isn't always the best).

Here are a few examples of local things that can't compete: TV shows, clothes, shoes, insulation....

So this brings me to reason number 4.

4. Anything not local is FREAKIN' expensive

Try buying a mid-range sneaker. I'm talking US $80 price range. Be prepared to shell out $200 bucks. The government puts heavy tax on imports so you will more likely choose the local stuff. It works the other way too. You can buy stuff in Australia that is wicked expensive in the states, but if you are not buying UGGs or Kangaroo meat, you're not missing much in that department.

Good news on the tax thing. If you are on a budget, you can lose weight. Candy and processed foods are more expensive than health things..I haven't done any formalized research, but I assume the fruits and veggies are subsidized by the government like the steak here that I so love eating.

5.No Free Recreation

We get spoiled in the U.S. You pay tax dollars and just expect that there will be free tracks, basketball courts, tennis courts, and other fun stuff.

I'm not saying there are NO places to play sports for free (I did notice jungle gyms if you want to compete with the kids for a spot on the monkey bars), but a free tennis court is finding a patch of empty highway with a big enough crack to make two sides. Good news is their are a lot of huge fields for exercising. Bad news is, you have to exercise.

6.Chocolate Chip Cookies

I enjoy being lazy, going down to a bakery, and eating a perfect chocolate chip cookie that I didn't have to bake. Well dream on. Rock cakes are nice, but I can't find a decent cookie here. I bought a Bird's Eye chocolate chip cookie mix from Woolworth's the other day. Remember that name, Bird's Eye. This is important.

That was, without a doubt, the most disgusting excuse for a cookie I have ever had in my life. How can you screw up a cookie mix? Don't they put in all sorts of life-ending chemicals in there to sacrifice your health in the name of taste?

Please, do yourself a favor, do your kids a favor, and never try that brand of cookie mix. Unfortunately, there were no other brands, and I cannot buy the ingredients to make cookies from scratch because I do not want that many tempting baked goods materials around my house, or I will truly be Australian in size as well.

7. The Council

For all the political dummies out there like myself, Australia operates under a constitutional monarchy broken down to a federal system. Each state has its own powers and those are often wayyy too far reaching. It sometimes feels like a socialist country. If you want to know what it is like to have the government's hand in your pant's pocket (not a pretty visual) then become a resident of AU. The Council is the government group that sets the rates, takes your money, and goes corrupt.

The train system is government run and the customer service is friendly--mostly because they don't have to be anything else. I once, okay twice, in a row, last week, rang the bell to ask about tickets at the train station, and I rudely interrupted the nap of the Council paid employee (this has become a ritual of sorts).

Most everybody seems to be a Council employee, and they work similar to federal employees at home, except friendlier and accomplish less. So watch out if you see employees in identical neon shirts--they work for the Council, which means they don't give a horses behind about solving your problem, just collecting a pay check.

The Council is bothersome in many other ways...but I've only got 10 things here to rant about, so I'd better speed it up already.

8. Spiders

The spiders here are so damn lazy its mind-boggling! I came to Australia extremely freaked out about creepy crawlers moving in to share my comforter at night. Blech..yuck..I can think of few things more terrifying that waking up to a spider crawling across your face (except maybe crawling across your open mouth). I am a known freaker-outer of spiders, or anything that moves like one. I thought for sure 90 percent of my time in Australia would be spent in panic...

But these spiders just don't move an inch. They pretend to look menacing sprawled across their webs. Really they are a bunch of pansies! They hide out in leaves all day in plain sight so they don't get sunburned, and at night they just sit on those stupid webs...boring. I've had one living in the corner of the garage since...well probably since before I was born. I know he's alive, but that fat P.O.S. doesn't do much to earn his keep. He just waits and hopes a bug comes along one day and will feed his fragile, disgusting, face.

All this laziness is taking me off my game. I'm going to go back to states and get the pooh scared out of me when a spider vaults across the shower at 6 am (who am I kidding--a shower at 6am?).

9. Webs

Spiders know Australians and travelers think they are lazy SOBs, so they found a way to get back at us. Instead of wasting time moving, they like to spit webs all over the place. Spiders here have figured out the exact trajectory of the wind to send webs all across kingdom come, just to torture us.

In Australia, it takes one person to get up before everyone else does. It's like the whole neighborhood knows something you don't about getting up first. Well, it didn't take long for me to figure out.The first person to get up is the one....

who walks through all those freakin' spider webs.

I've taken them in the mouth, across the eyes, all along my body when both hands are full with bags. I got one last week that wrapped around my forehead while I was riding my bike. I could just kill those sneaky little...

10. Internet

Why, why, does a country with 25 million people, stockpiles of natural resources, cash, and open land prefer to do everything like it's still 1989? Yes, the 80s are back. The punk look rules here, but going 80s does not mean going 64K on the Internet connection.

Telestra is a communications monopoly, and I mean that in every sense of the word. If you try and set up an Internet connection with another provider, without having a phone line through Telstra first, it will take months to get Internet.

Two Internet providers here give you a deal (still have to have Telstra phone and a contract)
Extel-free from 12am - 12 pm
TPG-reasonable rate

Best bet for travelers? Make friends with the neighbors and pay them to share Internet without a contract..

But even if you're not working the legalized sex trade here to pay your Internet connection, you can expect download times to exceed that of a senior citizen bingo night. It really is that bad.

Summary

If you can survive those 10 little things (space heaters are only $10 bucks at the hardware store--see no.1), then you may fall in love with this gorgeous country. It's beautiful here and a grassroots movement in many ways (see no. 3), except for its gambling problem, which is looking to move past all the other countries thanks to slot machines, racing, and all other things worth betting a week's paycheck on.

Trip 1 Before Australia: Hangzhou (hong-joe), the most popular tourist destination in China (I guess…if you’re Chinese…or read Wikipedia…which I did...how do you think I figured out which bus to get lost on later…)



Brent and I were like two kids on the first day of high school, anxious about showing up at the wrong place at the wrong time and then being lost in cold, heartless, China (kidding, but heartless sounds good). We didn’t know when the trains loaded, how early we had to be there blah blah.

We showed up 45 minutes early—mostly because we figured that’s how long it would take to push through the crowd and into the building. We made it to the depo, through the outside line, and through metal detector.

Now imagine…

The metal detector we walked through might not have worked--just a lucky guess. But Brent walked through with his 10lb collection of Chinese change he kept ready to spend on sodas, his metal belt, gold chain, and nipple rings….Come on, don’t be ridiculous...everyone knows his chain is silver.

Moments later, we were surrounded by…

People. And a lot of crap on the floor.


The Chinese are very fond of giving back to the earth, whether or not the earth happens to be covered by cement, carpet, or your luggage.
Of particular notice were the chicken bones and egg shells taking up residence in the flip flops of passengers.

That brings me to a question. Is there a 10 second rule in China?

Once on the train, we had the pleasure of sharing the two seats across from us with

Three other people, and a baby.

But luckily for all of us, no one spoke a lick of the other person’s language-- so we just did a lot of staring and awkward facial expressions. As a general rule, Brent and I like to make people feel uncomfortable, but I’m pretty sure they outdid us with their breath/farts (I’m not quite sure which one was worse).

Hangzhou—

Both of us forgot about grabbing a map in the more English/Mandarin friendly Shanghai--I think most of our adventure comes from our incredible lack of planning (I can't even make this stuff up). So we wandered around for a couple miles before trudging back to the train station and hightailing it in the other direction to get on a bus. We hoped we would pass by our hotel, which, according to Wikipedia, was right on this route.

Lesson Two: There is no such thing as current information in China, just the best guess. The two things that are constant here, like everywhere else, are death and taxes---and tourist rip off, but that pretty much goes with taxes…and death.

Turns out, the correct bus was not in operation that day, so after 2 hours of enjoying sites of interest in an odd Chinese dialect, we went to the mall to find a pay phone and call our hotel.

Have you ever tried to find a pay phone in a Chinese mall?

You’ll have better luck borrowing one from a stranger, which I had to do back in September when Brent disappeared on his way to meet me for the Shanghai Open….

But back to finding a pay phone…

I used my rotten excuse for Mandarin skills, which involved more body language than words, to get someone to show us a pay phone. They even went as far as trying to dial before reporting the phone didn’t work.

What to do…what to do…???

Lost, as usual, in a foreign city…late at night

of course…

We looked for help and found 2 girls at a desk in the mall

Although their job was to help us find purchases in the mall, and although they didn’t speak English…

Somehow, they called our hotel and got directions and wrote them in Chinese for us to get a taxi…

At last we got to the hotel, but,

We were so late they gave away our reservation.

What to do…what to do…???

We went to Pizza Hut.

After wandering for hours that day, my homing skills continued to be razor sharp. I was able to walk from our hotel, in the dark, to Pizza Hut, the only Western restaurant we had passed on the bus ride at mid-day, even though it was several blocks away, hidden in the middle of a nondescript mall.

Now tell me... Wouldn’t you rather have a chubby friend on a travel adventure?

We were warned that Pizza Hut in China was crap, but I have news for you…,

Crap pizza must mean crispy crust, real cheese, and tomato sauce not made with fish and innards because that was the first, and only decent pizza we had in China, and I’m sure we tasted enough places to be in contention for the most nights ordering in award—on any continent..

The Railway Station

A few weeks before Australia...

Since we were flying through Hong Kong first, Brent and I decided we should do some winter traveling in China (while I read that sentence back to myself I'm thinking, are you serious? Winter travel....)

We made plans to take a bullet train to the most popular tourist destination in China, and then bought flights to Hong Kong from Shanghai via Beijing to do more tourist crap in case we left China (and as it turns out, all my clothes) for good.

I’d never bought tickets from the large Shanghai Railway Station, which I imagined to be another excuse for the government hogs to squish people in a too-small space to see if 1000 people who don’t brush there teeth can make a room smell like a pig’s behind—a popular smell in China.

Lost in Translation

After several translations with the call center (the greatest invention since the telephone that offers language services free in 10 + dialects) I found the rail station and made myself hopelessly lost in the swarms of heads around my shoulders (I thought it was about time for a height joke).

I did what any foreigner would do.

I looked for the police.

I found the largest, loudest officer I could, with the coolest mustache might I add, and then handed him my phone. I'd called the call center and had them ask the police officer in Shanghainese how the heck to buy a ticket here.

The result?

The policeman walked me past one line and more than 200 people, including several English speakers, US citizens, and a white guy about my age who had a look on his face that said “what the?” and showed me to an small where he directed people to clear out just for me.

What do you know?

It was smack dab at the front of the line.

The surly policeman and the 200 people behind me waited patiently as I bought my tickets. When I finished, the officer escorted me away from the throngs of people, probably to keep all the foreigners I just cut in front of from giving me a good beating.

Though--the guy my age looked like he was impressed with the police officer routine and might be stealing it in the future.

Next up: Trip 1 Before Australia

How I Got To Australia In The First Place...And All Other Things Disasterous

The Beach near my house on an overcast morning....
















From: Wayyy South of the Spider’s Nest on the Way to Sydney

Dear friends and Family,

You are about to read 5 pages of information and experiences that can save you and/ or your friends from strange men attempting to grab your boobs, spending the night in wet, pole less tents, 5-mile bike rides with meat juice dripping down your leg, the horror of losing your spouse somewhere between Asia and Australia, and discovering that all your clothes are on the wrong continent.

Please pay careful attention. What you are about to read is deceptively avoidable, and rather embarrassing. In fact, I’m going to have to ask for a bit of patience from some of you. Especially those of you who are “old pros” at this living stuff.

You see, the first pages of this post are going to reveal some stuff that most of you already know. Please bear with me. Some of my readers don’t know this stuff and besides, it never hurts any of us to take a little “trip down memory lane” once in a while.

And anyway, it’s all a “setup” to pave the way for me to explain my latest debacle in the line of outrageous shenanigans.

Onward. No more messing around.

It all starts back a few months, around December of 2009. I booked a ticket from Hong Kong to Australia for a couple of clearly intelligent reasons.

One: I was completely sick of going to bed with my hat, jacket, scarf, mittens, long johns, leg warmers, double shirts, sweat pants, and two blankets. Call me ridiculous, but I couldn’t make sense of the face that it was colder inside my 17th storey apartment than outside.

In fact, to get the weather report each morning, I would check to see if I could see my breath, and if I wasn’t satisfied with that, I just stuck my finger through the hole in the bedroom window.


Two: I couldn’t get a direct flight from Shanghai to go finish the screen play I had worked on with Tara Goejen aka Fat head for 6 mths in Alaska, so I used 40k Alaska airlines flyer miles to get from Hong Kong to Sydney on Cathay Pacific…an unbelievable deal that makes me feel all warm inside every time I think about it.

Honest frequent flier programs are not dead.

Two weeks after getting my flight, Brent decided to come too…

Tickets on my flight were sold out by then, so Brent got a flight out 1 day later.

Which brings me to my first lesson. You have to make a move first to convince others you are serious. The best way to do this is to lie about what you are doing and then go through with it at the same time they do.


With both Brent and I heading to Australia for 5 weeks, we needed to get a place to stay. Fat head told us not to worry—we could stay with her and her friend for the trip.





Hindsite
Brent told me this was a horrible plan and to start looking for an apartment. How was I supposed to know this had disaster written all over it? Fat head and I get along…what’s the big deal?

And, how hard could it be to get an apartment there? Worse comes to worse, we could just rent some 1 room-sh#t hole for the time being. What’s the worst that could happen? Seriously…my imagination sucked on that one.

If I’ve learned anything, its you can’t dream the worst that can happen, so don’t even try—pay someone else to worry about it for you.

Fat head started looking for a place for us to stay in Wollongong (1 hr from Sydney), and I did a half-hearted Internet search, going as far as posting a work/rent trade on craiglist (this turned into one of the most hilarious things that has happened to me yet...stay tuned).


The Railway Station

Playing The Semi Pro Tennis Tour in Australia

There are few words to describe my first tournament here in Australia. I keep getting stuck on the same one: crap, crap, crap.


I entered a white tournament, the easy of the eases. Me and Tara Goedjen decided to take our chances against the local Syndey juniors.

Here were the rumors before we played the tourney:

All the juniors are snobs-
The level of play is really hit and miss (either its awesome or its crap)
People may cheat??

Well, I am here to put a stop to those rumors.

All the juniors were not snobs. I met at least two girls under the age of 17 who didn't throw their racquets, roll their eyes, or yell out the score while you were serving. Those ones relied on their parents to be snobs for them.

The level of play was never awesome. The tournament director did a great job of pairing all the best players with the crappies...and no one likes to see 14 year olds beating up on the college aged + (which was how it was over on my court...)

Last, I can't refute the cheating part. The most talented juniors did everything in their power to cheat their way to victory. . .

...which is actually pretty amazing since us newbies to the tour were working plenty hard to lose the game on our own.

All in all, the white tournaments in Australia are an easy way to pick up points to get on the pro tour. However, it is in your best interest to play at least two matches in the year prior to entering (note to self).

Apartments Shanghai: View from the Top

From December of 2009....

I went to check out boxing with Paul (ringwise boxing) at a new gym. Turns out the boxing gym is on the 28th floor of a building and it has an amazing view of millions of buildings and roads.

The view from the top gives you a great idea of what shanghai is really like. Bulidings, buildings, and more buildings. There are parks, but I am just amazed at how much space is filled with concrete and buildings. Buildings and old buildings. You get the picture . . . .

I took this video of Shanghai on a cold day in early December. I remember the sky was cloudy, but don't get me wrong--a really polluted day in Shanghai looks like that too. . (Ps. if you move here, find out what Neil Med is because you will need it and they don't sell it here!)

Almost any open space here, because they are rare in the city center, costs money to use. If you want to play basketball or use a track outside, you have to pay. So, most people just don't workout besides walking a lot.

I decided to push my luck yesterday. I jogged over to an elementary school and just went right over to the track. It was dark--around 5:30, but kids were still going home. The cool thing was . . . no one stopped me! It's so nice to be the foreigner.

No matter what happens as the resident foreigner in Shanghai, I just act like I don't understand what the Chinese are doing, and then whatever I'm doing suddenly becomes okay. (Seriously though . . . what country will kick you off the school track but let you pee openly in the street? I never said anything about Chinese logic . . .later though . . )

Being on the track at night was the most alone I have felt since I came to China, and it was so nice to be away from the crowds. It was dark and it was just me, the track, and the field. . . .that is until one of the students decided to see if I was a real, live, white person sitting on their field stretching. . .

The kid came within inches of my face before running away in shock. I think his friends dared him to see what I was doing. People must not spend much time exercising outdoors. Actually . . . I was told the women avoid it at all costs because they don't want their skin to darken! No wonder there are so few Chinese women in Pro Tennis....its all making sense now. Ha!

Would you Breastfeed While Riding a Moped? All things Astonishing in Shanghai, China

In the four months I have been here, I have seen some hilarious things. I have seen a mom breastfeed while riding on the back of a moped. I've seen a mom breastfeed on the subway. I've seen hundreds of kids wearing their pants with the open crotch because that's what they do here (the picture does it better justice than any words I have to describe it).

I've seen workers sleeping at every job-even at my job! No, it wasn't me (I'm working on it though . . ). I went to get one of the IT guys to help fix a computer. I opened the office door and yup, they were asleep. They had that look like "what the heck do you think you are doing? I already did my 15 minutes of work for the day."

I've seen many a man and boy peeing in the open street, the subway, and out the window of their house (oh, its pretty funny, until you catch a whiff. Yuck!). I've seen men spit on carpet and old women do some fat spitters on the street. I've seen a crew of 25 construction men moving straw, washing windows, and sitting around while one or two women get on with the heavy labor, breaking up the asphalt with pick axes and sledge hammers.



I've seen a falcon living in the 20th floor of an apartment building (My apartment building actually). I've seen an old Chinese man take his instrument and wash it in the pond that the men and boys just finished peeing in before putting it back to his lips and playing again--okay, that one had me laughing after I stopped convulsing.

And today, I saw a fancy wedding party go into Papa John's for the wedding meal and then come out to take wedding photos on the street (see video below). Ahhhhh. East Asia. Ahhhh Shanghai.

But, my personal favorite? That would be the first week I was here in Shanghai. A man in his late 40's was wearing a shirt that said, and I quote, "I LOVE TO FART".


The red picture above was for Budweiser. Budweiser had a display of musicians made of beer cans for a few weeks--kind of cool. Then, this next picture asks the visitors to not touch the water. Too bad the sign was in the middle of a large field of grass. What? Did they mean "don't touch the acid rain water on the grass or your hand will get burned?" In that case, we needs signs on all the water faucets that say "drink if you want to die. Let the taste of this awful water be your guide." I have drank the water twice by accident, and yes, the taste definitely lets you know that you will have a rough future (if any) if you drink more.


Here is our resident falcon man and his bird, who scares an elevator full of people daily when that thing starts flapping its wings (that bird is fierce-ask the mouse he just ate). I hope to be there with my camera the next time it happens.