10 Things I Hate About Australia

Dear friends,

After living abroad for a year, no one ever asks me what's the best country to live in for a while. It's a foregone conclusion.

However, I am now often asked

"What's the world's second best country to live in?"

And, although there are a handful of world-class contenders (unlike China--that's Beijing to the left on a clear, smoggy, winter's day),

I'd have to give the nod to Australia, because it is at the top of the heap when it comes to having what I consider the hands down, most important, criteria for living the good life (this however does not include citizenship or taxes but availability of open beach, sunshine, cool places and people..blah.blah.blah).

Moving to a new country means, first off, being crazy, and second off knowing the undesireables, and being okay with them.

Without further adieu...

Here are the

Top 10 Things I Hate About Australia
---devised while riding my bike home, upwind, in shorts, without gloves, when one of my bike pedals fell off.

1. No insulation

Other 3rd world countries are also into this practice. Australia is, of course, 1rst world, except when it comes to heating. It may be warm outside, but when the air gets nippy, your house gets frigid. This lasts for a period of about 3 months, during winter (June, July, and August). Feel free to travel to Northern Australia during these months to enjoy year-round beach going pleasure.

Based on local journalism, it seems the residents are against the idea of warm housing via insulation because the chances of starting a fire and burning down the house are much greater---well, you probably shouldn't be lighting firecrackers off in your bedroom in the first place.

2. The Miles of Gorgeous Beach are...EMPTY

You must think I am crazy. Why would anyone not love an empty beach? Could I really be looking forward to big, crowded beaches, were you can't so much as put your towel down without laying on someone's foot?

I think 50 Percent of the fun of going to the beach comes from people watching....

Someone loses a top, a wave flips an unsuspecting tourist, an overweight, ape of a hairy man is strutting around in a speedo, a kid dumps his ice cream cone onto the lap of the stranger next to him...

All I'm asking for is a little comedy, but the beaches here have fewer people than a custodial crew hired to clean port-a-potties after a week-long chili cook-off. You get my drift. I guess I'll just have to parade around the clear, blue, sunny waters all by myself, and Wollongong, NSW (an hour from Sydney) has perfect body surfing waves for chickens like me.

3. 25 Million People

This is a real love-hate relationship...

I love Australia because there are miles of open land, beaches, roads, and country. This place is huge, warm, and 1rst world (except for that insulation thing...) and hardly any people hogging up the place.

But with only 25 million people, a lot of their stuff sucks! They just don't have enough experience--think having your local high school make your sneakers (the quality isn't always the best).

Here are a few examples of local things that can't compete: TV shows, clothes, shoes, insulation....

So this brings me to reason number 4.

4. Anything not local is FREAKIN' expensive

Try buying a mid-range sneaker. I'm talking US $80 price range. Be prepared to shell out $200 bucks. The government puts heavy tax on imports so you will more likely choose the local stuff. It works the other way too. You can buy stuff in Australia that is wicked expensive in the states, but if you are not buying UGGs or Kangaroo meat, you're not missing much in that department.

Good news on the tax thing. If you are on a budget, you can lose weight. Candy and processed foods are more expensive than health things..I haven't done any formalized research, but I assume the fruits and veggies are subsidized by the government like the steak here that I so love eating.

5.No Free Recreation

We get spoiled in the U.S. You pay tax dollars and just expect that there will be free tracks, basketball courts, tennis courts, and other fun stuff.

I'm not saying there are NO places to play sports for free (I did notice jungle gyms if you want to compete with the kids for a spot on the monkey bars), but a free tennis court is finding a patch of empty highway with a big enough crack to make two sides. Good news is their are a lot of huge fields for exercising. Bad news is, you have to exercise.

6.Chocolate Chip Cookies

I enjoy being lazy, going down to a bakery, and eating a perfect chocolate chip cookie that I didn't have to bake. Well dream on. Rock cakes are nice, but I can't find a decent cookie here. I bought a Bird's Eye chocolate chip cookie mix from Woolworth's the other day. Remember that name, Bird's Eye. This is important.

That was, without a doubt, the most disgusting excuse for a cookie I have ever had in my life. How can you screw up a cookie mix? Don't they put in all sorts of life-ending chemicals in there to sacrifice your health in the name of taste?

Please, do yourself a favor, do your kids a favor, and never try that brand of cookie mix. Unfortunately, there were no other brands, and I cannot buy the ingredients to make cookies from scratch because I do not want that many tempting baked goods materials around my house, or I will truly be Australian in size as well.

7. The Council

For all the political dummies out there like myself, Australia operates under a constitutional monarchy broken down to a federal system. Each state has its own powers and those are often wayyy too far reaching. It sometimes feels like a socialist country. If you want to know what it is like to have the government's hand in your pant's pocket (not a pretty visual) then become a resident of AU. The Council is the government group that sets the rates, takes your money, and goes corrupt.

The train system is government run and the customer service is friendly--mostly because they don't have to be anything else. I once, okay twice, in a row, last week, rang the bell to ask about tickets at the train station, and I rudely interrupted the nap of the Council paid employee (this has become a ritual of sorts).

Most everybody seems to be a Council employee, and they work similar to federal employees at home, except friendlier and accomplish less. So watch out if you see employees in identical neon shirts--they work for the Council, which means they don't give a horses behind about solving your problem, just collecting a pay check.

The Council is bothersome in many other ways...but I've only got 10 things here to rant about, so I'd better speed it up already.

8. Spiders

The spiders here are so damn lazy its mind-boggling! I came to Australia extremely freaked out about creepy crawlers moving in to share my comforter at night. Blech..yuck..I can think of few things more terrifying that waking up to a spider crawling across your face (except maybe crawling across your open mouth). I am a known freaker-outer of spiders, or anything that moves like one. I thought for sure 90 percent of my time in Australia would be spent in panic...

But these spiders just don't move an inch. They pretend to look menacing sprawled across their webs. Really they are a bunch of pansies! They hide out in leaves all day in plain sight so they don't get sunburned, and at night they just sit on those stupid webs...boring. I've had one living in the corner of the garage since...well probably since before I was born. I know he's alive, but that fat P.O.S. doesn't do much to earn his keep. He just waits and hopes a bug comes along one day and will feed his fragile, disgusting, face.

All this laziness is taking me off my game. I'm going to go back to states and get the pooh scared out of me when a spider vaults across the shower at 6 am (who am I kidding--a shower at 6am?).

9. Webs

Spiders know Australians and travelers think they are lazy SOBs, so they found a way to get back at us. Instead of wasting time moving, they like to spit webs all over the place. Spiders here have figured out the exact trajectory of the wind to send webs all across kingdom come, just to torture us.

In Australia, it takes one person to get up before everyone else does. It's like the whole neighborhood knows something you don't about getting up first. Well, it didn't take long for me to figure out.The first person to get up is the one....

who walks through all those freakin' spider webs.

I've taken them in the mouth, across the eyes, all along my body when both hands are full with bags. I got one last week that wrapped around my forehead while I was riding my bike. I could just kill those sneaky little...

10. Internet

Why, why, does a country with 25 million people, stockpiles of natural resources, cash, and open land prefer to do everything like it's still 1989? Yes, the 80s are back. The punk look rules here, but going 80s does not mean going 64K on the Internet connection.

Telestra is a communications monopoly, and I mean that in every sense of the word. If you try and set up an Internet connection with another provider, without having a phone line through Telstra first, it will take months to get Internet.

Two Internet providers here give you a deal (still have to have Telstra phone and a contract)
Extel-free from 12am - 12 pm
TPG-reasonable rate

Best bet for travelers? Make friends with the neighbors and pay them to share Internet without a contract..

But even if you're not working the legalized sex trade here to pay your Internet connection, you can expect download times to exceed that of a senior citizen bingo night. It really is that bad.

Summary

If you can survive those 10 little things (space heaters are only $10 bucks at the hardware store--see no.1), then you may fall in love with this gorgeous country. It's beautiful here and a grassroots movement in many ways (see no. 3), except for its gambling problem, which is looking to move past all the other countries thanks to slot machines, racing, and all other things worth betting a week's paycheck on.

Trip 1 Before Australia: Hangzhou (hong-joe), the most popular tourist destination in China (I guess…if you’re Chinese…or read Wikipedia…which I did...how do you think I figured out which bus to get lost on later…)



Brent and I were like two kids on the first day of high school, anxious about showing up at the wrong place at the wrong time and then being lost in cold, heartless, China (kidding, but heartless sounds good). We didn’t know when the trains loaded, how early we had to be there blah blah.

We showed up 45 minutes early—mostly because we figured that’s how long it would take to push through the crowd and into the building. We made it to the depo, through the outside line, and through metal detector.

Now imagine…

The metal detector we walked through might not have worked--just a lucky guess. But Brent walked through with his 10lb collection of Chinese change he kept ready to spend on sodas, his metal belt, gold chain, and nipple rings….Come on, don’t be ridiculous...everyone knows his chain is silver.

Moments later, we were surrounded by…

People. And a lot of crap on the floor.


The Chinese are very fond of giving back to the earth, whether or not the earth happens to be covered by cement, carpet, or your luggage.
Of particular notice were the chicken bones and egg shells taking up residence in the flip flops of passengers.

That brings me to a question. Is there a 10 second rule in China?

Once on the train, we had the pleasure of sharing the two seats across from us with

Three other people, and a baby.

But luckily for all of us, no one spoke a lick of the other person’s language-- so we just did a lot of staring and awkward facial expressions. As a general rule, Brent and I like to make people feel uncomfortable, but I’m pretty sure they outdid us with their breath/farts (I’m not quite sure which one was worse).

Hangzhou—

Both of us forgot about grabbing a map in the more English/Mandarin friendly Shanghai--I think most of our adventure comes from our incredible lack of planning (I can't even make this stuff up). So we wandered around for a couple miles before trudging back to the train station and hightailing it in the other direction to get on a bus. We hoped we would pass by our hotel, which, according to Wikipedia, was right on this route.

Lesson Two: There is no such thing as current information in China, just the best guess. The two things that are constant here, like everywhere else, are death and taxes---and tourist rip off, but that pretty much goes with taxes…and death.

Turns out, the correct bus was not in operation that day, so after 2 hours of enjoying sites of interest in an odd Chinese dialect, we went to the mall to find a pay phone and call our hotel.

Have you ever tried to find a pay phone in a Chinese mall?

You’ll have better luck borrowing one from a stranger, which I had to do back in September when Brent disappeared on his way to meet me for the Shanghai Open….

But back to finding a pay phone…

I used my rotten excuse for Mandarin skills, which involved more body language than words, to get someone to show us a pay phone. They even went as far as trying to dial before reporting the phone didn’t work.

What to do…what to do…???

Lost, as usual, in a foreign city…late at night

of course…

We looked for help and found 2 girls at a desk in the mall

Although their job was to help us find purchases in the mall, and although they didn’t speak English…

Somehow, they called our hotel and got directions and wrote them in Chinese for us to get a taxi…

At last we got to the hotel, but,

We were so late they gave away our reservation.

What to do…what to do…???

We went to Pizza Hut.

After wandering for hours that day, my homing skills continued to be razor sharp. I was able to walk from our hotel, in the dark, to Pizza Hut, the only Western restaurant we had passed on the bus ride at mid-day, even though it was several blocks away, hidden in the middle of a nondescript mall.

Now tell me... Wouldn’t you rather have a chubby friend on a travel adventure?

We were warned that Pizza Hut in China was crap, but I have news for you…,

Crap pizza must mean crispy crust, real cheese, and tomato sauce not made with fish and innards because that was the first, and only decent pizza we had in China, and I’m sure we tasted enough places to be in contention for the most nights ordering in award—on any continent..

The Railway Station

A few weeks before Australia...

Since we were flying through Hong Kong first, Brent and I decided we should do some winter traveling in China (while I read that sentence back to myself I'm thinking, are you serious? Winter travel....)

We made plans to take a bullet train to the most popular tourist destination in China, and then bought flights to Hong Kong from Shanghai via Beijing to do more tourist crap in case we left China (and as it turns out, all my clothes) for good.

I’d never bought tickets from the large Shanghai Railway Station, which I imagined to be another excuse for the government hogs to squish people in a too-small space to see if 1000 people who don’t brush there teeth can make a room smell like a pig’s behind—a popular smell in China.

Lost in Translation

After several translations with the call center (the greatest invention since the telephone that offers language services free in 10 + dialects) I found the rail station and made myself hopelessly lost in the swarms of heads around my shoulders (I thought it was about time for a height joke).

I did what any foreigner would do.

I looked for the police.

I found the largest, loudest officer I could, with the coolest mustache might I add, and then handed him my phone. I'd called the call center and had them ask the police officer in Shanghainese how the heck to buy a ticket here.

The result?

The policeman walked me past one line and more than 200 people, including several English speakers, US citizens, and a white guy about my age who had a look on his face that said “what the?” and showed me to an small where he directed people to clear out just for me.

What do you know?

It was smack dab at the front of the line.

The surly policeman and the 200 people behind me waited patiently as I bought my tickets. When I finished, the officer escorted me away from the throngs of people, probably to keep all the foreigners I just cut in front of from giving me a good beating.

Though--the guy my age looked like he was impressed with the police officer routine and might be stealing it in the future.

Next up: Trip 1 Before Australia

How I Got To Australia In The First Place...And All Other Things Disasterous

The Beach near my house on an overcast morning....
















From: Wayyy South of the Spider’s Nest on the Way to Sydney

Dear friends and Family,

You are about to read 5 pages of information and experiences that can save you and/ or your friends from strange men attempting to grab your boobs, spending the night in wet, pole less tents, 5-mile bike rides with meat juice dripping down your leg, the horror of losing your spouse somewhere between Asia and Australia, and discovering that all your clothes are on the wrong continent.

Please pay careful attention. What you are about to read is deceptively avoidable, and rather embarrassing. In fact, I’m going to have to ask for a bit of patience from some of you. Especially those of you who are “old pros” at this living stuff.

You see, the first pages of this post are going to reveal some stuff that most of you already know. Please bear with me. Some of my readers don’t know this stuff and besides, it never hurts any of us to take a little “trip down memory lane” once in a while.

And anyway, it’s all a “setup” to pave the way for me to explain my latest debacle in the line of outrageous shenanigans.

Onward. No more messing around.

It all starts back a few months, around December of 2009. I booked a ticket from Hong Kong to Australia for a couple of clearly intelligent reasons.

One: I was completely sick of going to bed with my hat, jacket, scarf, mittens, long johns, leg warmers, double shirts, sweat pants, and two blankets. Call me ridiculous, but I couldn’t make sense of the face that it was colder inside my 17th storey apartment than outside.

In fact, to get the weather report each morning, I would check to see if I could see my breath, and if I wasn’t satisfied with that, I just stuck my finger through the hole in the bedroom window.


Two: I couldn’t get a direct flight from Shanghai to go finish the screen play I had worked on with Tara Goejen aka Fat head for 6 mths in Alaska, so I used 40k Alaska airlines flyer miles to get from Hong Kong to Sydney on Cathay Pacific…an unbelievable deal that makes me feel all warm inside every time I think about it.

Honest frequent flier programs are not dead.

Two weeks after getting my flight, Brent decided to come too…

Tickets on my flight were sold out by then, so Brent got a flight out 1 day later.

Which brings me to my first lesson. You have to make a move first to convince others you are serious. The best way to do this is to lie about what you are doing and then go through with it at the same time they do.


With both Brent and I heading to Australia for 5 weeks, we needed to get a place to stay. Fat head told us not to worry—we could stay with her and her friend for the trip.





Hindsite
Brent told me this was a horrible plan and to start looking for an apartment. How was I supposed to know this had disaster written all over it? Fat head and I get along…what’s the big deal?

And, how hard could it be to get an apartment there? Worse comes to worse, we could just rent some 1 room-sh#t hole for the time being. What’s the worst that could happen? Seriously…my imagination sucked on that one.

If I’ve learned anything, its you can’t dream the worst that can happen, so don’t even try—pay someone else to worry about it for you.

Fat head started looking for a place for us to stay in Wollongong (1 hr from Sydney), and I did a half-hearted Internet search, going as far as posting a work/rent trade on craiglist (this turned into one of the most hilarious things that has happened to me yet...stay tuned).


The Railway Station

Playing The Semi Pro Tennis Tour in Australia

There are few words to describe my first tournament here in Australia. I keep getting stuck on the same one: crap, crap, crap.


I entered a white tournament, the easy of the eases. Me and Tara Goedjen decided to take our chances against the local Syndey juniors.

Here were the rumors before we played the tourney:

All the juniors are snobs-
The level of play is really hit and miss (either its awesome or its crap)
People may cheat??

Well, I am here to put a stop to those rumors.

All the juniors were not snobs. I met at least two girls under the age of 17 who didn't throw their racquets, roll their eyes, or yell out the score while you were serving. Those ones relied on their parents to be snobs for them.

The level of play was never awesome. The tournament director did a great job of pairing all the best players with the crappies...and no one likes to see 14 year olds beating up on the college aged + (which was how it was over on my court...)

Last, I can't refute the cheating part. The most talented juniors did everything in their power to cheat their way to victory. . .

...which is actually pretty amazing since us newbies to the tour were working plenty hard to lose the game on our own.

All in all, the white tournaments in Australia are an easy way to pick up points to get on the pro tour. However, it is in your best interest to play at least two matches in the year prior to entering (note to self).

Apartments Shanghai: View from the Top

From December of 2009....

I went to check out boxing with Paul (ringwise boxing) at a new gym. Turns out the boxing gym is on the 28th floor of a building and it has an amazing view of millions of buildings and roads.

The view from the top gives you a great idea of what shanghai is really like. Bulidings, buildings, and more buildings. There are parks, but I am just amazed at how much space is filled with concrete and buildings. Buildings and old buildings. You get the picture . . . .

I took this video of Shanghai on a cold day in early December. I remember the sky was cloudy, but don't get me wrong--a really polluted day in Shanghai looks like that too. . (Ps. if you move here, find out what Neil Med is because you will need it and they don't sell it here!)

Almost any open space here, because they are rare in the city center, costs money to use. If you want to play basketball or use a track outside, you have to pay. So, most people just don't workout besides walking a lot.

I decided to push my luck yesterday. I jogged over to an elementary school and just went right over to the track. It was dark--around 5:30, but kids were still going home. The cool thing was . . . no one stopped me! It's so nice to be the foreigner.

No matter what happens as the resident foreigner in Shanghai, I just act like I don't understand what the Chinese are doing, and then whatever I'm doing suddenly becomes okay. (Seriously though . . . what country will kick you off the school track but let you pee openly in the street? I never said anything about Chinese logic . . .later though . . )

Being on the track at night was the most alone I have felt since I came to China, and it was so nice to be away from the crowds. It was dark and it was just me, the track, and the field. . . .that is until one of the students decided to see if I was a real, live, white person sitting on their field stretching. . .

The kid came within inches of my face before running away in shock. I think his friends dared him to see what I was doing. People must not spend much time exercising outdoors. Actually . . . I was told the women avoid it at all costs because they don't want their skin to darken! No wonder there are so few Chinese women in Pro Tennis....its all making sense now. Ha!

Would you Breastfeed While Riding a Moped? All things Astonishing in Shanghai, China

In the four months I have been here, I have seen some hilarious things. I have seen a mom breastfeed while riding on the back of a moped. I've seen a mom breastfeed on the subway. I've seen hundreds of kids wearing their pants with the open crotch because that's what they do here (the picture does it better justice than any words I have to describe it).

I've seen workers sleeping at every job-even at my job! No, it wasn't me (I'm working on it though . . ). I went to get one of the IT guys to help fix a computer. I opened the office door and yup, they were asleep. They had that look like "what the heck do you think you are doing? I already did my 15 minutes of work for the day."

I've seen many a man and boy peeing in the open street, the subway, and out the window of their house (oh, its pretty funny, until you catch a whiff. Yuck!). I've seen men spit on carpet and old women do some fat spitters on the street. I've seen a crew of 25 construction men moving straw, washing windows, and sitting around while one or two women get on with the heavy labor, breaking up the asphalt with pick axes and sledge hammers.



I've seen a falcon living in the 20th floor of an apartment building (My apartment building actually). I've seen an old Chinese man take his instrument and wash it in the pond that the men and boys just finished peeing in before putting it back to his lips and playing again--okay, that one had me laughing after I stopped convulsing.

And today, I saw a fancy wedding party go into Papa John's for the wedding meal and then come out to take wedding photos on the street (see video below). Ahhhhh. East Asia. Ahhhh Shanghai.

But, my personal favorite? That would be the first week I was here in Shanghai. A man in his late 40's was wearing a shirt that said, and I quote, "I LOVE TO FART".


The red picture above was for Budweiser. Budweiser had a display of musicians made of beer cans for a few weeks--kind of cool. Then, this next picture asks the visitors to not touch the water. Too bad the sign was in the middle of a large field of grass. What? Did they mean "don't touch the acid rain water on the grass or your hand will get burned?" In that case, we needs signs on all the water faucets that say "drink if you want to die. Let the taste of this awful water be your guide." I have drank the water twice by accident, and yes, the taste definitely lets you know that you will have a rough future (if any) if you drink more.


Here is our resident falcon man and his bird, who scares an elevator full of people daily when that thing starts flapping its wings (that bird is fierce-ask the mouse he just ate). I hope to be there with my camera the next time it happens.

Are you brave enough to bike around Shanghai, China?

From Left to Right: Lorie, Aiduku, and Marla

Before I moved to Shanghai, everyone said there were too many bicyclers and people on mopeds and it was pretty dangerous to ride around on a bike. After being here for close to 4 months, I disagree. Walking is definitely more dangerous. At least on a bike I can choose to hit other pedestrians and mopeders, livening up the accident instead of just getting run over myself--that's no fun.

I have been hit by bicyclers riding on the sidewalk a couple times. What they do is peddle really slow and then run over your heel. Its like getting hit by a shopping cart at the grocery store except you are out walking on the sidewalk. It really takes talent on a bike.

I decided to rent a bike to see how bad it really was. I've been thinking about buying one because they have special bike lanes on all the roads and you can ride places quicker than taking a taxi when traffic is bad. Brent and I joined a group of three for some dangerous play last Saturday, the 14th of November.


I called a local bike shop (just googled "rent bikes Shanghai") and was able to rent 5 bikes and have them delivered for about $12 a person for the day. You can rent trucks here just like taxis. The bike company had a truck deliver our bikes to Century park for just a few dollars. We didn't find out until we got to the park with our bikes that you have to pay to visit the park and you can't ride bikes there! Looks like Century park is an adventure for another day . . . .

As for the bike ride, mine fell over twice (mostly from trying to film while riding-not recommended). Lorie (the blondie) also had a crash. Hers was from trying to crack nuts for a snack to eat while riding at the same time.Wow. I'm seeing a pattern here. hmmmm....

We biked on the new side of Shanghai called Pudong. It's much quieter than where Brent and I live in Puxi-the original Shanghai. We live in a very buy commercial area that is more the combat biking scene.

Our bike ride was great. Quiet and peaceful. I raced a few delivery drivers from Sherpas on there little electric bikes (they weren't as into as I was).

I apologize now for the movies. Biking and filming is a bad combo (for you and for me). The weather was a little cold, about 45 Fahrenheit with a little wind. The temperature in November was hot for the first week and now we are into winter weather. Usually around 35 - 45 and with rains every other day or so. Not bad when your coming from Alaska.

We put our new Chinese law-aversion skills into practice. We are getting accustomed to Chinese ways quickly. They post many signs for rules like "don't bike here," but we know better. We followed the other bikes across all the areas with "no biking" signs. We even rode and waved to the cops and security guards as we went by. Its a bit like Singapore here when it comes to crime, homeless people, and disturbances. They happen. All the time. The government just hushes them up or covers them up. (I also cannot read the newspaper so I hear about these things even less).

I just found info online that says Shanghai is starting a bike sharing program where you can rent a bike for $1 yuan an hour through a company called forever bicycles. I also found a cool website that lists bike sharing across the globe for all you travelers. Check it out here. Sounds good to me!

How much would you pay to look like you've been mugged?

After another day of adventure in Shanghai, China, I love that I have a picture like this to show off. Your probably wondering how I survived the brutal beating that left these marks on my back, but there is a good back story to war wounds.

Any good Chinese doctor can do this for you (or to you) . . . . read on for the story.

The pollution in Shanghai worked its magic on me and I've had a sinus infection here for quite a while. I was feeling pretty run down two weeks ago, so I went with a few Asian expat teachers to try out some of the traditional Chinese medicine (tmc) that they swore gets your body working properly again.

I went to a spa/tmc provider located in a gorgeous apartment area near People's Square. I went in with my friends (who could translate Chinese for me whew) and put on the little Chinese pajama-type clothes they give to customers who get Chinese massages. The tmc practitioner came out and held my wrist to feel what was wrong in my body. She asked me some questions about how long I had been sick, my sleeping, coughing, and other personal tibits. I'm sure plenty of what I said was lost in translation--I find that happens often. I say, "I've been coughing and feeling sick because the air is polluted" and they get "she's been staying up late and drinking. Those foreigners." Well, many foreigners do like to party here, but I've been sticking to a normal granny bedtime of 9:30 pm so I figured she was a little off base when she asked me if I like to stay up late. Like to and get to are two different things right?

Then the doc talked to a few of her helpers and told them to give me a massage, to use a special heat treatment to suck the cold out of me and get my qi (or engergy) balanced, and to perform Gua Sha. Now when someone translates this to you they say, "hey, if you want to feel better, you need to do Gua Sha," and you think, "okay. I want to feel better. Let's try it." Like signing up for a job in another country, you never know what you are signing up for until you get here.

What the heck is Gua Sha?

Well, Gua Sha means to scrape the fever or sickness from the body. What they did for me was to put oil on my back and take a rounded wooded object (almost like a shoe horn) and begin to put pressure on my back with the object and stroke my back with the that thing repeatedly. This combing left quite the marks on me as you can see from the picture. Did it hurt. Okay, yes it did.

Surprisingly, the marks faded in about 4 days and were gone in a week. Sure it was painful, but I survived. I think that its one of those things that if you did it a lot, it wouldn't feel so bad. For anyone that remembers having to run the timed mile in elementary, before we knew that people actually practice running to get better at it, getting the Gua Sha treatment is a lot easier (not quicker though).

Did it work. Hmmm. Hard to say. It did make me feel incredibly tired, like I had to listen to an audio tape on rock morphology while digging post holes. My brain was mush and my body was about there too. I was so tired after the combing or back beating as I like to call it that I probably got the best sleep I've had since I moved to China. I was too tired to think, dream, or worry. My cough and sickness went down considerably over the next few days. I couldn't tell if it was from the treatment or not. It made me wonder about the old doctor's advice: "Take this and you will be better in a week. If not, you will have to wait 7 days."

Either way, I got an hour massage, a meal, some interesting heat treatments to suck the cold out of my body (kinda like putting a warm stick on pressure points on your body), and a nice Gua Shan beating all for about $50 bucks. I think tomorrow I'll just go for the massage. That sets me back about $7 an hour. I'll let you know how it goes . . . I don't expect to look like I got hit by a moped after this one though.

Are you feeling lonely? Need to feel surrounded? Check out Shanghai, China

With 18 million + people moving around Shanghai, I would say walking and using public transportation is the easiest way to get squished, run over by a bicycle, moped, car, truck . . . Yesterday, a boxing coach from the gym I work out at told me how he got run over by a truck last week.

All the work vehicles are old school diesel stick shifts. He just happened to be walking on the sidewalk (yes, the sidewalk) and a truck was loaded with construction junk blocking his path. My friend Paul decided to step off the sidewalk right when the driver decided to do a panic backup over Paul. Paul got lucky. He got pinned between a post and the truck until the driver calmed down enough to move the truck forward. Paul got out with his knee banged up a bit, but is walking okay. Don't let this scare you. It could happen to anyone, but probably not for a while . . . read on for the real day to day stuff.

Just to give you a little idea of the traffic here . . .

When the crosswalk turns green we all wait at least 5 seconds for the cars that will run the red light before we begin combat crossing (playing chicken with the cars, mopeds, and bikes).

Red lights are optional. If the driver looks both ways before running the red light, its all good. (refer to the above line about waiting when the light turns green for pedestrian safety)

Law enforcement is also optional. I once saw a truck get a ticket for not having the right license, and a bus get a ticket for driving on a road it wasn't supposed to be driving on (I think it was a big show for us whities-I mean they don't really have set traffic laws!). I also saw a policeman whistle at a moped to stop and the moped almost ran him over before breezing on past him.

Good thing there is lower dangerous crime here because no one pulls over for a cop with flashing lights. I think the ice cream truck gets more respect.

The metro/subway between the hours of 4:30 and 7 is for the brave, the stupid, and the poor. And of course those in a rush and those who get sick in taxis (see the uploaded video for a full understanding of the metro. Note: this video is about half the capacity of a full subway. I have been in on those full subways, where you just pick a strangers lap and sit in it or back up into it because that's the only place there is room).

The law of size really applies in traffic: Mopeds and Bicyclers will stop for cars. People will stop for everyone, and buses stop for NO one. When the bus moves towards me, I get out of the way!

When things get rough, I like to use the skills I learned in basketball. I walk with my elbows out in busy pedestrian areas to discourage people from pushing me.

How the Heck Did I Get to China in the First Place? The Interview

The Interview for SSIS was weird to say the least, but everyone was incredibly friendly and helpful. I don't think I talked more than two minutes the whole time. They asked me a few questions about salary requirements, what Brent would be doing in Shanghai, and then mostly talked about living in Shanghai. The recruiters talked about shopping, the weather, and what there was to do in Shanghai.

I only asked a few questions. I was being interviewed as a teacher counselor so I asked what that meant. The recruiter told me I would teach 10 hours a week and that I would never work more than 20 hours at the job. Holy cow, I thought. Sign me up! I never liked teaching large groups though, so I had one really important question: how many kids would I be teaching when I wasn't counseling? Drum Roll please . . . . . The answer is 7! Yes, I was told that the student to teacher ratio was 7. Geez, this was like a dream scenario. I love working in small groups.

Well as part of being recruited to work internationally, I was offered a housing package, a tax free salary, and a plane ticket. Now the salary was a bit lower than other International schools, and Brent wasn't getting his ticket or any health insurance. I didn't know any of this at the time though, so it didn't matter as much. I signed up to move to Shanghai, China in the fall and tried not to think about drastic changes while I was enjoying the last few months in the states. . .

Here is a pretty normal package for teachers coming to China:

Housing allowance: 5,000 rmb (low end) - 12,000 rmb (high end)

Health Insurance: It is pretty normal for the whole family to be covered, SSIS is on the low end for teacher benefits

Salary: 28,000 USD tax free (low end) - 70,000 USD + 15% taxes (high end) depending on experience

Travel Allowance: most schools offer you and your spouse a free trip to and from China and anywhere from $500 - $2000 USD in moving costs, $500 being the extreme low-end.

Leave: Leave is harder to come by at International Schools, being that substitutes are even harder to come by here, so most places will give you a couple personal days and 5 - 10 sick days.

Now keep in mind that International packages are highly personalized and negotiable. Ask for what you want, because you never know what you are signing up for until you are there. You want to know for certain you are signing up for the right thing.

How the Heck Did I Get to China in the First Place? Part 2

Once I signed up with the Philadelphia fair for International School Services (ISS), Brent and I looked up some International Schools Online to see what they were like. We didn't get much information.

Before I knew it, we were in Philadelphia at the first day of the fair. I was thinking of the fair as more of a vacation. I wasn't really planning on signing up with any schools. I just wanted to see what it was like and what type of package they were offering (hmmm, in hindsight a lot of my first ideas are usually good ones)!

The first day of the fair was all formalities, like talking about how to interview ect. I didn't find it helped the school search at all, but we both went. We met a few people at the fair who said they had no trouble getting jobs abroad. They had posted their information last minute and were hired in July just before the August school year, so Brent and I were getting excited.

The next day was the main part of the fair. All the schools were doing booths to represent their school/country and then a mini presentation you could sign up for. Well Brent and I showed up for the last half hour of the 2 hour booth session and everyone had already left! I couldn't believe it. We laughed about it for a while, then went to the individual school sessions.

I had this little mailbox where school recruiters could drop me letters and I found that Shanghai Singapore International School was interested in an interview.

When I read that, I laughed. China? No way! For all I had heard, China was still in the dark ages. . . . . who in there right mind would go work abroad in China? I didn't think they could pay me enough to do that.

Long story short, the recruiter really sold us in the presentation. He talked about what a great place China was to work. Massages were $10 for an hour, the city was Westernized and the job was very relaxing. Who could say no to that?

I still had my doubts going into the interview, but now I was a little more open to China. Mandarin is an incredibly hard, but important language to learn because such a large percentage of the world speaks it. I kept thinking to myself . . .. China? What is that like?

How the Heck Did I Get to China in the First Place?

While I was walking around downtown Shanghai this morning, now that the new cold weather is jarring my memory, I realized I hadn't posted much about how you can get paid to move abroad.

I've been skipping around a little and haven't told everyone how I got to China in the first place. Well here is the first part of the story:

I had been thinking of going to a Spanish speaking country for a while to learn a second language. Brent already knows quite a bit of Spanish, and was excited for a move too. I have been dreaming of learning new languages for the past few years. I didn't know what I would do for work, and wasn't super excited about spending my savings (I'm sure everyone can relate)! So I took my skills to the internet.

I first started my internet escapades looking at language programs and travel abroad opportunities. Most of them consisted of you paying someone a ton of money to work for them for free-blech, and get some language training on the side. So I kept looking . . .

Through no shortage of hours spent on the internet, I found out about some recruiting fairs that hired educators, administrators, coaches, and other personnel to work at schools abroad.

Here are the top places to go when looking for educator or school personnel jobs abroad:

International School Services

http://www.iss.edu/index.asp

Counsil of International Schools

http://www.cois.org/

Search Associates

http://www.searchassociates.com/main.html

University of Northern Iowa

http://www.uni.edu/placement/overseas/

Department of Defense Abroad (DOD)

http://www.eu.dodea.edu/hr/

I chose to sign up with International School Services (ISS). I paid a sign up fee to put my information in with ISS so I could be considered by International Schools for recruitment. Then, I paid another $400 to sign up for a recruitment fair in Philadelphia in February (I posted a picture of Brent in downtown Philadelphia from our trip. It looks cold, but it was a huge break from the freezing Alaska weather at that time. We had a blast. Thank you Priceline for the crazy good deal on the Marriot).

To sign up with ISS, I needed to show two years of experience and proof of my school certificate, which for me is a Type C special services. After arriving in Shanghai, I see that many teachers work with just a TEOFL or TESOL certificate. One of these can be obtained in a matter of weeks and the teachers with these certificates are paid similarly to me. Hey, its my first time getting hired abroad. I didn't know how much $ to ask for then, but now I do!

Tourists for the day

After a couple weeks in Shanghai, living at the Resort owned by the school, we (Brent, me, and all the foreign staff) went on a day tour of Shanghai. We took a bus to the pearl market, the French Concession (where the former communist party was founded), and Pudong--home of the Jin Mao tower--4th tallest building in the world. Now when I say we went on a day tour, that means we spent about 4 hours in traffic and then 2 - 3 hours checking out Shanghai. We also went to the famous Yu gardens (tourist mecca for bargaining and buying everything you could ever imagine you don't need).

As you can see from the pictures, I was the happy, unwitting foreigner, 1 week from the start of International school (more to come on this subject ahaha). My favorite is the picture of me and Brent sitting at the traditional tea drinking table chatty it up with the tour guide. He was hilarious! He told us that the average Chinese person with a college degree made aroun 1000 rmb a month. That's like $150 dollars. Whew!

Finding an Apartment in Shanghai

August went by fast here in Shanghai. The whole month was unbelievably hot! I went apartment hunting with Brent and some friends from the school. I found out really quick that anyone that can get money off of you will. That's been the theme since I have been in Shanghai, China. I can't speak for everyone, there are always straight shooters out there, but for the most part, if you look like you have any money then someone will try to get it from you. It's the idea that, well, your a foreigner, you should expect to just get ripped off.

The school (SSIS) said they would help me and other teachers get some agents to find houses. The problem was, the agents would only show me the same two apartment complexes, and Brent and I didn't want to live there. The school, as I found out later, gets a kick back from their agents, and that's why they didn't want me going to other agents or place. hmmmm

Well, what to do? I put a posting on Craigslist, met an agent that spoke just enough English and we found an apartment in downtown Shanghai near the major shopping areas in one day. Up to that point, we had been searching with the school's agents for 3 weeks. It's better to just take matters in your own hands here. Just remember in China (or Shanghai at least) , if someone helps you for no reason its usually because there is a reason.

To get an apartment in Shanghai, you need to pay two month's rent and one month's deposit (normally). The agent who helps you find a place also get 30% of one month's rent from you and another 30% from the owner of the apartment for his services. If you pay enough per month for an apartment (8000 + rmb, about 1200 USD) then the fee is waived on your end, but I don't know all the details. That can be a lot of money for some people here. My apartment is about 80 sq meters, on the 17th floor, 5 minutes from the subway/metro station. The closer the apartment is to the metro and a nice area, the more expensive it is, but it is worth it! The metro here is fabulous and you can get everywhere quickly. Brent and I pay 3800 rmb per month or about $560 USD a month to rent. Our internet was 2000 rmb for the year. Our electric and water bills add up to about 500rmb a month, and our phone bill is about 50 rmb a month. So total, including internet, we pay about $665 USD a month. We also pay a maid (Ayi) $80 a month to clean and cook 9 hours a week. We pay her 50% more than the average Ayi. She makes $2 + dollars an hour instead of just over $1 an hour.

Finding an amazing apartment for rent at a cheap place in Shanghai is pretty easy. You just have to be willing to keep searching. There is no rhyme or reason for the prices charged on apartments in Shanghai. A fabulous apartment may cost $300 USD a month and a real crapper may cost $800 USD a month. Just know how big you want your apartment to be, how new, how close to a major area of town or a metro, and start looking. Don't say yes until you find exactly what you want. There are millions of apartments here. The one you want at the price you want is out there!

New City Old Ideas . . .

Check out the latest in Chinese thought. . . I wanted the chair in the middle. Yes, one small, Chinese man of about 90 lbs. was wheeling this cart around the huge neighborhood I live in of Xujiahui (shoe-jaw-weigh) in Shanghai, China. My favorite is the garbage truck. I mean, garbage cart. It is a cart like this one, but one small person (always small-the fat, tall, capable ones don't ride bikes or do labor) is pulling this huge cart overflowing with garbage. Don't ask me where they dump it! I don't want to know! They will do #1 and #2 in the street, so I don't want to know where the garbage has been going. Probably the water system (Ps. You might want to avoid the water system here forever).

China has to be the only place where you can still buy puff pants, new versions of all 1980s clothes, and pay more for your internet than a full time maid (called an Ayi). You can also pay more in China for the Chinese made products you buy in the states. Hmmmmm . . .

Arriving in Shanghai

Wow, I arrived at the Pudong airport in Shanghai, China on August 4th, 2009. The weather was hot and heavy, I would say suffocatingly heavy at 100% humid and about 95 degrees humidity. You can see the wetness of the air in Brent's picture out by our cottage at Sun Island. The airport was amazingly clean, but that was all that was clean as we drove and hour and 1/2 to Sun Island Resort in the Min Hang District of Shanghai. I had no concept of where we were, and the language sounded crazy. My first day in China consisted of opening the door to my little studio cottage at the resort (more like upscale cabins at a retreat), checking the place thoroughly for roaches, spiders, and any other creepy crawlys, turning on the air con, and sleeping for the next 15 hours.

I Get Paid to Travel and Live in Shanghai, China

I've been thinking about travelling the world and learning languages for the past couple years. My biggest worry? How was I going to pay for my travels? How could I afford to live and do the things I wanted to do? There had to be a way for me to get paid to be spontaneous, to try new things. What started out as a few hours doing internet searches turned into a paid ticket, arpartment, and vacation days in Shanghai China.