10 Things I Hate About Australia

Dear friends,

After living abroad for a year, no one ever asks me what's the best country to live in for a while. It's a foregone conclusion.

However, I am now often asked

"What's the world's second best country to live in?"

And, although there are a handful of world-class contenders (unlike China--that's Beijing to the left on a clear, smoggy, winter's day),

I'd have to give the nod to Australia, because it is at the top of the heap when it comes to having what I consider the hands down, most important, criteria for living the good life (this however does not include citizenship or taxes but availability of open beach, sunshine, cool places and people..blah.blah.blah).

Moving to a new country means, first off, being crazy, and second off knowing the undesireables, and being okay with them.

Without further adieu...

Here are the

Top 10 Things I Hate About Australia
---devised while riding my bike home, upwind, in shorts, without gloves, when one of my bike pedals fell off.

1. No insulation

Other 3rd world countries are also into this practice. Australia is, of course, 1rst world, except when it comes to heating. It may be warm outside, but when the air gets nippy, your house gets frigid. This lasts for a period of about 3 months, during winter (June, July, and August). Feel free to travel to Northern Australia during these months to enjoy year-round beach going pleasure.

Based on local journalism, it seems the residents are against the idea of warm housing via insulation because the chances of starting a fire and burning down the house are much greater---well, you probably shouldn't be lighting firecrackers off in your bedroom in the first place.

2. The Miles of Gorgeous Beach are...EMPTY

You must think I am crazy. Why would anyone not love an empty beach? Could I really be looking forward to big, crowded beaches, were you can't so much as put your towel down without laying on someone's foot?

I think 50 Percent of the fun of going to the beach comes from people watching....

Someone loses a top, a wave flips an unsuspecting tourist, an overweight, ape of a hairy man is strutting around in a speedo, a kid dumps his ice cream cone onto the lap of the stranger next to him...

All I'm asking for is a little comedy, but the beaches here have fewer people than a custodial crew hired to clean port-a-potties after a week-long chili cook-off. You get my drift. I guess I'll just have to parade around the clear, blue, sunny waters all by myself, and Wollongong, NSW (an hour from Sydney) has perfect body surfing waves for chickens like me.

3. 25 Million People

This is a real love-hate relationship...

I love Australia because there are miles of open land, beaches, roads, and country. This place is huge, warm, and 1rst world (except for that insulation thing...) and hardly any people hogging up the place.

But with only 25 million people, a lot of their stuff sucks! They just don't have enough experience--think having your local high school make your sneakers (the quality isn't always the best).

Here are a few examples of local things that can't compete: TV shows, clothes, shoes, insulation....

So this brings me to reason number 4.

4. Anything not local is FREAKIN' expensive

Try buying a mid-range sneaker. I'm talking US $80 price range. Be prepared to shell out $200 bucks. The government puts heavy tax on imports so you will more likely choose the local stuff. It works the other way too. You can buy stuff in Australia that is wicked expensive in the states, but if you are not buying UGGs or Kangaroo meat, you're not missing much in that department.

Good news on the tax thing. If you are on a budget, you can lose weight. Candy and processed foods are more expensive than health things..I haven't done any formalized research, but I assume the fruits and veggies are subsidized by the government like the steak here that I so love eating.

5.No Free Recreation

We get spoiled in the U.S. You pay tax dollars and just expect that there will be free tracks, basketball courts, tennis courts, and other fun stuff.

I'm not saying there are NO places to play sports for free (I did notice jungle gyms if you want to compete with the kids for a spot on the monkey bars), but a free tennis court is finding a patch of empty highway with a big enough crack to make two sides. Good news is their are a lot of huge fields for exercising. Bad news is, you have to exercise.

6.Chocolate Chip Cookies

I enjoy being lazy, going down to a bakery, and eating a perfect chocolate chip cookie that I didn't have to bake. Well dream on. Rock cakes are nice, but I can't find a decent cookie here. I bought a Bird's Eye chocolate chip cookie mix from Woolworth's the other day. Remember that name, Bird's Eye. This is important.

That was, without a doubt, the most disgusting excuse for a cookie I have ever had in my life. How can you screw up a cookie mix? Don't they put in all sorts of life-ending chemicals in there to sacrifice your health in the name of taste?

Please, do yourself a favor, do your kids a favor, and never try that brand of cookie mix. Unfortunately, there were no other brands, and I cannot buy the ingredients to make cookies from scratch because I do not want that many tempting baked goods materials around my house, or I will truly be Australian in size as well.

7. The Council

For all the political dummies out there like myself, Australia operates under a constitutional monarchy broken down to a federal system. Each state has its own powers and those are often wayyy too far reaching. It sometimes feels like a socialist country. If you want to know what it is like to have the government's hand in your pant's pocket (not a pretty visual) then become a resident of AU. The Council is the government group that sets the rates, takes your money, and goes corrupt.

The train system is government run and the customer service is friendly--mostly because they don't have to be anything else. I once, okay twice, in a row, last week, rang the bell to ask about tickets at the train station, and I rudely interrupted the nap of the Council paid employee (this has become a ritual of sorts).

Most everybody seems to be a Council employee, and they work similar to federal employees at home, except friendlier and accomplish less. So watch out if you see employees in identical neon shirts--they work for the Council, which means they don't give a horses behind about solving your problem, just collecting a pay check.

The Council is bothersome in many other ways...but I've only got 10 things here to rant about, so I'd better speed it up already.

8. Spiders

The spiders here are so damn lazy its mind-boggling! I came to Australia extremely freaked out about creepy crawlers moving in to share my comforter at night. Blech..yuck..I can think of few things more terrifying that waking up to a spider crawling across your face (except maybe crawling across your open mouth). I am a known freaker-outer of spiders, or anything that moves like one. I thought for sure 90 percent of my time in Australia would be spent in panic...

But these spiders just don't move an inch. They pretend to look menacing sprawled across their webs. Really they are a bunch of pansies! They hide out in leaves all day in plain sight so they don't get sunburned, and at night they just sit on those stupid webs...boring. I've had one living in the corner of the garage since...well probably since before I was born. I know he's alive, but that fat P.O.S. doesn't do much to earn his keep. He just waits and hopes a bug comes along one day and will feed his fragile, disgusting, face.

All this laziness is taking me off my game. I'm going to go back to states and get the pooh scared out of me when a spider vaults across the shower at 6 am (who am I kidding--a shower at 6am?).

9. Webs

Spiders know Australians and travelers think they are lazy SOBs, so they found a way to get back at us. Instead of wasting time moving, they like to spit webs all over the place. Spiders here have figured out the exact trajectory of the wind to send webs all across kingdom come, just to torture us.

In Australia, it takes one person to get up before everyone else does. It's like the whole neighborhood knows something you don't about getting up first. Well, it didn't take long for me to figure out.The first person to get up is the one....

who walks through all those freakin' spider webs.

I've taken them in the mouth, across the eyes, all along my body when both hands are full with bags. I got one last week that wrapped around my forehead while I was riding my bike. I could just kill those sneaky little...

10. Internet

Why, why, does a country with 25 million people, stockpiles of natural resources, cash, and open land prefer to do everything like it's still 1989? Yes, the 80s are back. The punk look rules here, but going 80s does not mean going 64K on the Internet connection.

Telestra is a communications monopoly, and I mean that in every sense of the word. If you try and set up an Internet connection with another provider, without having a phone line through Telstra first, it will take months to get Internet.

Two Internet providers here give you a deal (still have to have Telstra phone and a contract)
Extel-free from 12am - 12 pm
TPG-reasonable rate

Best bet for travelers? Make friends with the neighbors and pay them to share Internet without a contract..

But even if you're not working the legalized sex trade here to pay your Internet connection, you can expect download times to exceed that of a senior citizen bingo night. It really is that bad.

Summary

If you can survive those 10 little things (space heaters are only $10 bucks at the hardware store--see no.1), then you may fall in love with this gorgeous country. It's beautiful here and a grassroots movement in many ways (see no. 3), except for its gambling problem, which is looking to move past all the other countries thanks to slot machines, racing, and all other things worth betting a week's paycheck on.